Suggestions for when you hit rock bottom, and 6 tips for coping during the pandemic.
True Love Rule # 1 - Embrace Your Unique Path
Trying to force your life down a path different from your own will only push love away.
I am the oldest of six siblings. Three married before I did. One of my sisters even married twice before I married the first time.
At family events, I was usually alone. Once, while playing cards, one of my sisters said, “Let’s play Karin’s game! Let’s play Old Maid!” I laughed with the others, but inside I was crying.
My big day finally came when I was 32. My wedding was pure joy. I cried many happy tears. At last I had a husband. I thought I would finally be like everyone else.
Thirteen years later, my husband and I divorced. How could I be alone again? I was devastated. A card game with my eight-year-old daughter, Clare, helped me see things differently. We were using children’s cards with colored illustrations. Clare shuffled the deck and dealt. The Old Maid landed in my hand.
Old Maid Card
I looked at the card carefully. This old maid was smiling. She looked happy and strong. Her hat was decorated with a jaunty flower.
I thought to myself, “This woman doesn’t have a care in the world. If I am going to be an Old Maid, I’m going to be this Old Maid.
The framed enlargement
I took the card to Kinko’s to have the image enlarged. The enlargement fit nicely in a frame.
Clare saw the picture and said, “I like that picture. Can I have it in my room?”
“Sure, Sweetheart,” I told her. Clare set the picture on a shelf above her bed.
Then she said, “Now I am going to make one for you. She took out a poster board and drew an old maid. It may be my imagination, but I thought her picture looked more like me than the original. The two of us went to the mall to find a frame for my new picture.
The picture Clare drew for me
I hung the picture by my bed. No matter where I move, my old maid goes with me. She reminds me that even if I don’t have a man in my life, I can be happy. I can see clients, read, watch movies, grow flowers, sew, write, and do all my favorite things. Someday, my old maid may even meet a nice man and go out on dates. She will live a full and happy life no matter what.
I learned that I have a safety net. I don’t feel pressure to meet a man. This keeps me from feeling desperate. When I do meet people, I can be more relaxed and confident. If a relationship comes my way, I can take risks and be myself. No matter what, I will be ok.
Everyone is different.
1) There are people who have one major relationships from childhood to death
2) Others have many partners
3) Some never have a love partner
Accept and embrace your unique path. Make your own rules. Honor your true essence. Don’t try to force your life or relationships into some preconceived plan. Celebrate the plan that is you and love will be more likely to find you.
Everything about you is part of the package, the unique package that is you.
Suggestion: Is there a part of your love life that you reject? Do you feel shame or worry about your path? If you can release that shame and embrace your life, you will clear your path for love.
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True Love Rule # 2 - It's Never Too Late to Find Love
No matter your age, you can find love, attract love, or love better.
Aunt Dorothy - third from left, Aunt Marguerite - far right. I am named for my dear grandmother, Karin Flodstrom, (wearing an apron in the middle)
My Swedish aunts lost their husbands a few months apart. They had good marriages and were both in their 60’s. After time passed, they got together. They slowly took off their wedding rings. The next day they went shopping and bought pretty new clothes.
Aunt Dorothy dated Ed happily for many years. I loved Ed. I asked her, “Will you ever marry again?”
“Oh no! she replied. “Then I would have to do more laundry, cooking, grocery shopping and cleaning. When you date, you always see each other when you are dressed up and at your best. Dating is so much more fun than being married.”
Aunt Marguerite met Doug. They are still dating, 26 years later. Doug is tall, handsome and active. The two of them love traveling. Both aunts tell me they would much rather date than get married.
My aunts still talk about their beloved husbands, just as their new beaus talk about their wives. Despite enjoying new love in their lives, they have never forgotten their first loves.
Sadly, Ed died. Aunt Dorothy met Des. She was so happy. Des took her to the opera. She had never been to the opera before. They went out to eat and on vacation with his children. My aunt felt something for Des she had never felt before. When he died only a couple of years later, she was almost 90 years old. Devastated and heartbroken, we both believed that she would never date again.
Aunt Dorothy is now 93. Despite her many losses, she remains active in her community and keeps her heart open for new friendships. I would not be at all surprised if my aunt finds romance again.
My aunts taught me that I don’t need to rush. There is always time to find love.
When I was in my 30’s, I met a divorced woman in her 50’s. She looked the way most of us do as we age. Her body was rounded. Her hair was gray and curled in an old-fashioned style. This sweet woman told me she had just met a man. She showed me his picture. He looked the way many men look at that age. He was balding and had a paunch.
I asked her what it is like to date in your 50’s. How does it feel?
“Oh my goodness!” she told me. “It feels just the same as it did when I was 16! I have butterflies. I can’t wait to see him. I think about him all the time!”
No matter how old you are, it is never too late to fall in love.
Women sometimes fear their biological clock is ticking. They fret that if they don’t find love soon, they will never have a child. I understand that fear. As a mother, I know the joy of carrying a child in my body and giving birth.
When I was pregnant with Clare, my pregnancy was high risk. The nurse at my doctor’s office told me that I wouldn’t be able to give birth in a birthing room. Clare would need to be born surrounded by operating equipment. I felt cheated and as if I had somehow already let my daughter down.
My wise nurse said, “I see all kinds of new mothers fixated on creating the perfect birth. Don’t you realize the birth is not that important? It’s all the years that come after your baby is here that really matter.”
I say something similar to clients who are worried they will never have a child. You will always have a chance to love a child. You can adopt, foster, or become a stepmother/step grandmother. You can be an aunt, uncle, babysitter, mentor or teacher. Loving a child is a precious experience regardless of whether that child comes from your body or not. No matter how old you are, if you are meant to love a child, you will find a way.
A few months ago, a client told me this story. She gave me permission to share her story with you. Her grandfather was dying. His dementia made him mean and difficult to handle.
The family met for a vigil around his bed. They knew he was dying. He hadn’t recognized anyone for months and was babbling in a nonsensical way. They could hardly hear him, and no one could understand a word he said.
They decided to do something that I think is brilliant. When her Grandpa mumbled, a family member would lean over and put their ear next to his mouth. Even though they couldn’t understand his words, they pretended they could. They would say things like, “Yes Grandpa, I remember the great times we had at Christmas. You always gave us money and that was so nice.” Or “Yes Dad, we had lots of fun camping when I was a little girl.” Everyone in the family took turns leaning in to recall a loving memory.
Finally, the Grandpa motioned to his daughter, my client’s mother. Her mother leaned in to place her ear near next to her father’s mouth. She got ready to make a loving comment when, with great clarity and loud enough for everyone to hear, her father said, “I love you.” After saying these words, he died.
Question: Do you think there is a deadline for feeling/finding true love? Do you fear you are behind? When it comes to creating love in your life, you don’t need to rush. Be patient. There’s no pressure. You are more likely to attract love if you relax and calmly look for ways to love others. It’s never too late to welcome love into your life.
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True Love Rule # 3 – You’re Probably Better Than You Think
When it comes to finding love, your inner energy matters more than you realize.
I never much liked this picture. I didn’t like my messy hair, hooded eyes, double chin, or the way my shoulder seam drags off my shoulder. To my eye, I was not quite thin enough. I had a long list of criticisms about my appearance in this picture.
In my 20’s as a bridesmaid in my cousin Mary’s wedding
Today, 40 years later, I like this picture. This young me actually looks a bit glamorous. What a shame I didn’t like my appearance more at the time. Can you imagine how I might have appeared if I’d lifted my chin a bit, looked into the camera more confidently, and owned my body? Looking back, I see that I was probably more attractive than I knew. You are likely more attractive than you know too.
Many clients come into my office feeling unattractive and like losers in love. Maybe they tried Match.com, and no one was interested. Or they asked someone out and got rejected. Sometimes they get dates, but the dates don’t go well. Men tell me, “Nice guys finish last. I’m not the kind of man women want.” Women say, “I am too old and fat. Men want younger and more beautiful women.”
When these same people heal trauma from the past, release their self doubt, see their value and find their purpose, they become very attractive.
A woman who used to trudge to sessions wearing baggy dark clothes to hide her body suddenly shows up – standing tall in the latest fashion. Her hair is clean and shiny. She wears a gorgeous scarf. She has found that she is strong, intelligent and has new great career plans. My client hasn’t lost a single pound, but I am sure everyone notices her as she walks confidently down the street. I say to her laughing, “You look very sexy today.”
A man feels ugly. He complains that he is too short and weak. After months of therapy, he comes blasting into my office with enthusiasm and excitement. He tells me his new career plans. He hasn’t become suddenly taller. His muscles aren’t bigger. The change is that he believes in himself and has a purpose. With a smile, I tell him, “Do you know that you look really sexy today?”
My clients are usually surprised when I tell them how attractive they have become. They aren’t used to seeing themselves this way. My observation gives them clues about how to continue their progress. Telling my clients when they look sexy is a part of my job.
Why is it so hard for people to see their own value?
When I was in driver’s ed class, I learned about something called “velocitization.” When we are driving fast on the expressway, we become accustomed to the high speed. When we get off the expressway, it can feel like we are hardly moving at all. It takes time before we can accurately estimate our speed again.
In a similar way, we lose our perspective about our own value through the media. Fantasy assaults our senses every time we watch a show or read the news. We subconsciously absorb the idea that most people look and behave like the media people we see.
To give you an example of how this dynamic affects our daily life, imagine a man who comes to me for help them with on-line dating. He shows me pictures of women and says, “I am being realistic. I don’t expect a woman who looks like a supermodel.” Then he points to a woman he plans to contact who would be classified as an “8” on the superficial image scale. He may not have picked out Jennifer Lopez, but he’s going after her cousin.
A woman will say, “I don’t expect a man who is as sensitive, successful and handsome as Brad Pitt. My standards are realistic. But when she meets a kind, stable, interested man, she says, “He’s OK, but I don’t know. He just doesn’t seem manly enough.”
My clients have been warped by constant viewing of fantasy. They have become fantacized.
Even worse than comparing others to fantasy media images, we also automatically and unconsciously compare ourselves to media personalities. We forget that the actors and models themselves aren’t as perfect as the images they project.
What can we do? Just as you cure velocitization by slowing down and noticing the speed limit, your speedometer, and your surroundings, you can cure fantacization. Slow down. See reality. Notice the good in yourself and others. Look for attractive features and behaviors. Appreciate character over image. A great step to true love is to reject the fantasy you are being sold to sell products.
Please do not let fantasy steal your ability to love and be loved. Take these measures to invite more love into your life.
1) Emphasize the best within you
2) Look for the best in others
3) Heal trauma and issues from the past
3) Find and do things you love
4) Become strong enough to take risks for love
Question: Are you holding yourself back by thinking you aren’t good enough? Do you focus on what you see as flaws while you ignore your good points? Remember, Love Attracts Love. Cultivate love for yourself, your life, and others. Then wait patiently and optimistically. See what happens.
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True Love Rule # 4 –Reach for Your Kind of Intimacy
For satisfying solitude and closeness with others, recognize, develop and validate different kinds of intimacy.
My daughter, Clare with her husband, Pasha
When I mention intimacy, most of us think of only two kinds – emotional and sexual. Emotional intimacy is wonderful! When we can truly be ourselves with another, and they can be their true open selves with us, the experience can be healing and satisfying.
However, it is often not easy to have true emotional intimacy with our partners or even our friends. Letting out all our feelings can even be a terrible idea that destroys relationships.
Many couples are afraid to be honest with each other for good reason. The more your life becomes entwined with another, the harder it can be to be honest. As time goes by, you have more to lose by being completely open. Even though it might be wiser to be careful with what you share, you might also feel cheated and is you are missing out.
Similarly, sexual intimacy can be a giddy and deeply pleasurable experience. True sexual closeness can be both exciting and soulful. It’s no wonder we are a culture obsessed with sex.
Just like emotional intimacy, physical intimacy can be almost impossible to sustain over time. When we bare our souls or our bodies, we unleash forces from the past, present and future. This kind of closeness is complicated by early childhood trauma, deeply held beliefs and habits that can be resistant to any kind of change.
Couples who no longer enjoy sexual intimacy often feel ashamed and angry. They torture themselves with feelings of inadequacy as they hide what feels to them like a shameful secret. Please let me assure you that many couples rarely or even never have sex. I often wonder if the basic premise that married couples should be having regular sex throughout their lives is flawed in and of itself.
Regardless, when we become fixated on only these two kinds of intimacy, it’s tempting to see our relationships as failures. This is dangerous and also a lie. There are many kinds of intimacy that are just as valid and nourishing as emotional and sexual intimacy. Having value for only emotional and sexual intimacy is like saying the only fruit are apples and bananas. Just as we would never want to give up strawberries, pineapple, oranges and raspberries, we can also enjoy the sweetness of all kinds of intimacy.
The first step to intimacy is to be intimate with ourselves. I’m not talking about self-pleasuring; I am talking about knowing and accepting ourselves. Often, the person we are most lonely for is our own true selves. When we don’t know who we are, we feel uncomfortable with our own company. It’s difficult for others to know us if we don’t even know ourselves. When people get in touch with themselves, they often find they are no longer lonely even when they are alone.
How can you get to know yourself better? Journaling, music, quiet reflection, personality tests (Myers Briggs), therapy, self-help books, Ted talks, workshops, retreats, honest conversation.
Then be open to many kinds of intimacy. For example, a newlywed woman comes into session and tells me this story. After work at night, her husband doesn’t want to share heartfelt conversations. In fact, her new husband doesn’t really want to talk to her at all when they both get home at the end of a long day.
She says to him, “Why am I even here if you don’t want to talk to me? Why did you even want to marry me?”
He says, “Don’t you know how much I love just sitting in the same room with you? Being with you makes me very happy.” After that, my client sits contentedly with her husband at night, knowing that she is treasured and valued.
Intellectual intimacy is another way to be close. Clare and Pasha met in anatomy class. They fell in love studying together. Two nerds obsessed with biology, they created their own flash card game. Their special magic is the way they connect intellectually. No other man ever appealed to my daughter quite as much as Pasha because of their intellectual connection. The picture at the start of this article shows them at their first Halloween, dressed as elements of the periodic table. Clare is silver, Pasha is gold.
The intimacy parents enjoy with their children, and as parents loving the same child, is another way to be close.
Or maybe you appreciate spiritual intimacy with your partner. Sharing spiritual beliefs can connect you, body and soul.
Sensual intimacy where two people enjoy affectionate touching and cuddling is another wonderful form of intimacy. I like the book, “Naked at Any Age” by Joan Price. Ms. Price explains age and sexuality. She encourages touch that the oldest among us can savor.
If you and your partner are both passionate about the same activity, your shared interest can satisfy and nourish you and your relationship.
Our pets give us unconditional love and acceptance along with cuddles and eye contact. After my fiance Dan died, my two kitties Cleo and Libby were a great comfort. I don’t know how I would have managed without their love to ease my loneliness.
Preparing meals together and breaking bread is another way of fostering intimacy with someone you love.
These are just a few examples. There are likely many more ways to encourage feelings of intimacy between you and those you love.
Don’t think that only emotional and sexual intimacy matter. Enjoy the richness of many kinds of intimacy. You may find you can become happily satisfied with the intimacy you already have. When you appreciate the intimacy in your life today, other kinds of intimacy may develop.
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True Love Rule # 5 – Practice Kind Communication
Hint: You must first be kind to yourself
Dan and I during the years we learned kind communication
If we are harsh and judgmental when we think about ourselves, that negative energy will likely spill over into our assessment of others. To improve our communication with others, start first by assessing how you talk to yourself. If you are often self-critical, work on changing those behaviors. Sometimes this isn’t easy. Being critical of ourselves can be rooted in deeply held beliefs and experiences. Finding resources to build your self-esteem and increase positive self-talk can go a long way toward improving your communication with others.
If you are with someone who is very critical, notice. Are they also critical of themselves? If the answer is yes, have compassion for them. Don’t take their comments personally. Critical people can harm us, so please be aware of the effect these people have on you, and take measures to protect yourself so that you can be your best self. You may want to limit your interactions with them.
Do you know it takes 13 compliments to balance out one criticism?
Suggestion: When confronting someone about an undesirable behavior, first imagine how things look from their perspective.
Present their point of view before presenting your own. For example, let’s say that you want your husband to do more work around the house. You could say:
“I see how hard you work. You give 100% for me and our family. I really appreciate everything you do. The last thing you need or want at the end of the day is to be nagged about doing the dishes. All you want is to relax. You really need time to chill. I never want to make you feel more pressure. Then pause. Give your words time to sink in. Let your husband state his point of view. Listen carefully.
Your husband may tell you he hates his job and is completely depleted at the end of the day. He may tell you of other problems weighing heavily on him. Or he may just grunt and look at you suspiciously. At this point, listen to your intuition. Decide if this is the right time to ask him to help you more. When you better understand what your partner faces, you may feel less angry about him not helping you more.
Or you may decide that you need to explain your point of view. Avoid using the word “but” as you transition to explaining your experience. Use the word “and” instead. For example:
“I understand that you are exhausted and feel you have nothing more to give. I like knowing what you are going through and I also want to let you know what things are like for me.”
“Here’s how I feel. I work hard all day too. Then when I get home, I make dinner which means not only that I need to prepare the food, I also have to decide what to make and bring home all the ingredients. I really need rest too. When you get up from the table and leave me to do the dishes, I feel disrespected and as if you are taking advantage of me. Yet, I don’t want to fight with you or nag you. That will only make you push me away. The last thing I want is to create distance between us. Instead, I want us to be a team. Is there anything I can do to help us become more of a team? Do you expect me to hold my feelings in and do the dishes anyway? Or is there another solution?”
The example I have given here is a very common one. It used to be even more common. I’ve noticed that more and more men truly are equal partners with their wives when it comes to housework and child rearing. When couples have an equal partnership, the benefits to the marriage and children are huge. Finding a way to create an equal partnership is a very worthy goal.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat:
Keep in mind that gender roles go back to cave man days. You can’t expect one conversation to change such deeply entrenched habits. Women feel frustration and often say, “I talked to my husband about this. He agreed but nothing changed.” Some women have a very hard time telling their feelings to their partner. They don’t want to expose their vulnerabilities over and over again. They don’t want to be a nag.
I tell them, “You may need to have a conversation like this 5 times, 15 times, 20 times, or even more. Be patient and gentle. You are asking for a big change.”
Also keep in mind – some partners simply cannot or do not want to change. At that point, look at your relationship as a whole. Do the benefits outweigh the disadvantages? If they do, you may want to practice radical acceptance and let go of your desire for an equal partnership when it comes to housework. Maybe there are other concessions that make things feel equal but in a different way?
Suggestion: Consider your timing
My fiancé, Dan, taught me about timing. I wanted to tell Dan every little thing. All the time. Every day. I felt this was the path to closeness. As a very emotional and sensitive person, my emotions are a challenge even for me to handle. It didn’t take long for Dan to throw up his hands and say, “Karin, I can’t take all the drama!”
We came up with a plan. Every week we set aside a morning where we would talk. Usually we only needed a half hour. (You may need more than a half hour. I have had years of therapy and have learned to process some things on my own.) In between talks, I kept a list. Every little thing that bothered me went on that list. On the designated morning, I would bring out the list. Dan and I would talk.
I learned something surprising. Most of the time, after a week, the majority of things on my list were no longer an issue. I could cross that item off and not say anything. I also learned that there was nothing that Dan and I could not resolve as long as each of us came from a loving place and kept on talking.
Dan learned something too. He told me, “Every time we are about to talk, I dread it. I really would rather not talk. But then, after we talk, I am always glad. Our talks make things better between us.
Our plan helped us both. I learned to talk less, and Dan learned to talk more.
This plan won’t work for all couples. Even with Dan and I, there were some conversations we could not have. Some topics are too heated or entrenched in traumatic experiences to discuss. Also keep in mind, not all couples can achieve emotional intimacy. If this is the case for you, develop other kinds of intimacy.
Suggestion: Find creative, loving ways of changing yourself and others.
My sister, Janet, is married to a pilot. Her husband is sometimes out of town Sunday nights, which is garbage night. The Sundays he was gone, Janet often forgot to take the garbage out. Her husband came home later in the week to a stinky garage and was understandably upset.
My brother-in-law reminded my sister to take out the garbage, but she kept forgetting, continuously. Maybe because Sundays are Janet’s day to forget everything and chill? Regardless of why my sister forgot, this became a sore subject between her and her husband.
Janet came up with a plan. Every time her husband left for a trip that would include Sunday night, she bought a dozen pink roses. She placed the roses on her table. They were her reminder to take out the garbage. All week, she looked at the flowers and thought about how happy she would feel when she remembered to take out the garbage. Every time she bought herself flowers, she remembered.
Her husband could have bought the flowers for her. This would have worked as an effective reminder as well. Use your creativity to change a sore subject into a happy reminder.
Suggestion: Accept the other person in their entirety.
Relationships are not a smorgasbord. We don’t get to just pick out the parts that we like and reject the rest. We all have desirable and undesirable qualities. There’s this saying that after marriage, men want their wives to stay the same. Women, on the other hand, often go into marriage with plans of how to change their husbands. Too often, we women see our husbands as a project we want to perfect. In our defense, we often have the same attitude toward ourselves.
For example, Dan had a Monday night meeting every week. Our garage control button was in the house. I closed the garage door every night, but because I was asleep on Mondays, I could not close the garage door after he got home. Week after week, Dan forgot to close the door. The garage door would be open all night.
Dan was a highly intelligent man, and an engineer. I used to call him an absent-minded professor. It’s not that Dan deliberately left the garage door open. His mind was simply on other things.
Thiensville has its share of burglaries. I was concerned about theft. At first, I gently suggested that Dan close the garage door.
No change. The door stayed open.
Then I texted Dan before I went to sleep. “Good night, Sweetheart. Please remember to close the garage door.”
The door stayed open.
Then I taped a little post-it note on his steering wheel. “Sweetie, please remember to close the garage door.
Open door.
Then I taped a sign in the place where he put his keys each night. “PLEASE CLOSE THE GARAGE DOOR!!!”
When the door was open that morning, we had a talk – and it wasn’t even our designated talk time. Actually, it wasn’t a talk, it was my version of a meltdown. “What’s it going to take? It’s a simple matter. Close the garage door!” I demanded. (not in a quiet voice either.)
Dan looked at me, surprised. We were rarely angry at each other. I think it’s the only time I ever talked to him using that tone.
Shortly after that, my wise and intuitive friend Barbara, told me, “You need to ease up or you are going to ruin your wonderful relationship with Dan. You are too critical. If you don’t stop, and now, you will be sorry.”
I thought carefully about her words. There were several areas where I had been giving Dan “helpful” suggestions. It irritated me that he fell asleep in his lazy boy. I thought he would get a better night’s sleep if he came to bed. I also believed Dan worked too hard. I wanted him to relax more. None of my comments seemed helpful. Dan didn’t change. He didn’t thank me for the helpful tips. He seemed annoyed instead.
As an experiment, I decided to follow Barbara’s advice. Instead of focusing on the things I wanted Dan to change, for one month I noticed only the things I loved about Dan. After all, I didn’t know what was best for Dan. He was a grown-up. It was time for me to start treating him like one. If someone stole our cars, we would deal with it. Our relationship was more important to me than our cars.
After only a couple of weeks, our relationship changed dramatically. Dan and I became amazingly close – closer than I ever imagined I could be with a man.
Would you believe Dan remembered to close the garage door every week?
I am so grateful to my wise friend, Barbara. Even more so than you might imagine, because two years later, Dan suddenly died, unexpectedly, in the middle of the night. We didn’t even get a chance to say good-bye.
I can’t imagine my grief if I had continued to criticize him. It is a great comfort to know that when Dan died, we were in a happy place of love.
In all you do, please remember to be gentle not just with others, but also with yourself. Treasure yourself and the people on this journey with you and you will invite more love into your life. What ways can you practice kind communication?
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Lonely on Valentine's Day?
By Dr. Karin
Many singles feel lonely on Valentine’s Day. Even if you are in a relationship, Valentine’s Day can be disappointing. For many, this holiday is more about sadness than love. As a result of divorce and the death of my fiancé, I’ve been alone most of my adult years. Some of those years I struggled to get through Valentine’s Day without feeling depressed and sorry for myself. I feared that being alone on Valentine’s Day meant I was a loser.
Karin on Valentine’s Day
My view of Valentine’s Day changed dramatically in 2000, the first February 14th after my divorce. My Aunt Marguerite sent me a card with a message that went something like this:
“On Valentine’s Day, Cinderella got tired of waiting for some prince to show up with one used shoe. So… she decided to run barefoot through the grass. She turned cartwheels. She stayed out as late as she wanted and ate her favorite food. At the end of the day, she realized that she didn’t need a prince to make her happy.” (The same holds true for men – you don’t need a princess to be happy.)
I can’t run barefoot through the grass in February in Wisconsin. Still, my aunt’s card prompts me to think of Valentine’s Day differently. Now, when alone on Valentine’s Day, I find my own unique way to romance the day. Here are some ideas that might interest you.
1) Buy yourself beautiful roses the week before Valentine’s Day. As the flowers die, collect the petals in a bowl. On Valentine’s Day, scatter the petals outside in a path leading to your door. Imagine that these petals invite love and joy into your home and your heart.
2) Celebrate the joy of solitude. Read “Walden Pond,” listen to “Lullaby for Myself” by Barbra Streisand, or find a song or book that speaks to you. As much as possible, fill this day with your favorite things. Give yourself permission to prefer being alone, if that is your true heart’s desire.
3) Dream about the partner you would love to meet and write down their characteristics. Valentine’s Day is a perfect time to put this dream out into the world. Write your wishes in a beautiful Valentine card. Tuck the card away for a year and ask Cupid to somehow grant your wish. Read and revise each Valentine’s Day until you find the love you seek.
4) If you are lonely even though you are in a relationship, brainstorm ideas to improve your relationship. Ask your partner to help you plan things to try in the coming year. If your partner is not receptive, consider how you can make things better on your own.
5) Throw a party. When in my 20’s, my roommate, Cathleen, and I had a “St Valentine’s Day Massacre” party. We invited our guests to dress up like “Roaring 20’s” flappers and gangsters. The feathers and fedoras were so much fun! You might also consider a Valentine’s Day potluck or traveling party.
With Cathleen and guests for our St. Valentine’s Day Massacre Party
6) Enjoy a wonderful meal, either alone or with a friend.
7) Watch the vintage movie “Marty” and dream of your perfect match. Reflect on the true essence of love.
8) Buy yourself a special Valentine’s Day gift.
9) Explore meetup groups and on-line dating.
10) Drink a really great bottle of wine with a friend.
11) List your blessings.
12) Fall in love with your life by finding a passion you can’t wait to pursue. Determine to be happy even while alone.
13) Make a list of past partners. Reflect on the things each relationship taught you. Bask in your favorite memories. Write a letter wishing each past partner well. (Hint: It’s usually best to file these letters away and not send them.) This process makes room for new love to enter your life.
As a psychologist, I am privileged to hear people’s innermost thoughts. It’s always interesting when male clients say, “It must be so much easier to be a woman. Women have so many men from which to choose, and they don’t have to feel rejected when they ask someone out for a date and get told no.”
My female clients tell me, “It must be so much easier to be a man. So many women are looking for men. Men don’t seem interested in someone like me. If only I were a lesbian, finding love would be easier.”
Both men and women are surprised when I tell them it is just as difficult for the opposite sex to find love. In my work with gay, lesbian and transgender clients, I’ve learned that finding a romantic partner is just as hard for them. Who knew?
My Swedish Grandmother used to say, “För varje strumpa finns en sko” which means “For every sock there is a shoe.” One reason so many are lonely might be because they aren’t looking for their true match. We often make the mistake of looking for some idealized version of a mate. The world is full of people looking for love. Why is it that we have trouble finding love when so many are looking? That is a good question to ask yourself. I believe the answer usually has to do with patience, self-confidence, believing in your own value, and seeing the genuine value in others. Often, in order to attract our best match, we must first find our true selves.
This year don’t let anyone tell you that Valentine’s Day is only for happy couples. Valentine’s Day is for everyone who chooses to romance their day. How will you celebrate this year? Please send your ideas and questions to - Karin@DrKarinFlodstrom.com.
If you are alone or in a relationship, Dr. Karin can help you attract love, create connection and ease loneliness. Hear my free talk, “True Love Rules.” Join Dr. Karin for this feel good talk to jump-start your love life.
February 26, 2020, 6:30 to 7:30 PM at the Thiensville Health Alliance 136 North Main Street, Thiensville WI. (sponsored by the Thiensville Lifestyle Coalition)
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