By Dr. Karin
Many singles feel lonely on Valentine’s Day. Even if you are in a relationship, Valentine’s Day can be disappointing. For many, this holiday is more about sadness than love. As a result of divorce and the death of my fiancé, I’ve been alone most of my adult years. Some of those years I struggled to get through Valentine’s Day without feeling depressed and sorry for myself. I feared that being alone on Valentine’s Day meant I was a loser.
Karin on Valentine’s Day
My view of Valentine’s Day changed dramatically in 2000, the first February 14th after my divorce. My Aunt Marguerite sent me a card with a message that went something like this:
“On Valentine’s Day, Cinderella got tired of waiting for some prince to show up with one used shoe. So… she decided to run barefoot through the grass. She turned cartwheels. She stayed out as late as she wanted and ate her favorite food. At the end of the day, she realized that she didn’t need a prince to make her happy.” (The same holds true for men – you don’t need a princess to be happy.)
I can’t run barefoot through the grass in February in Wisconsin. Still, my aunt’s card prompts me to think of Valentine’s Day differently. Now, when alone on Valentine’s Day, I find my own unique way to romance the day. Here are some ideas that might interest you.
1) Buy yourself beautiful roses the week before Valentine’s Day. As the flowers die, collect the petals in a bowl. On Valentine’s Day, scatter the petals outside in a path leading to your door. Imagine that these petals invite love and joy into your home and your heart.
2) Celebrate the joy of solitude. Read “Walden Pond,” listen to “Lullaby for Myself” by Barbra Streisand, or find a song or book that speaks to you. As much as possible, fill this day with your favorite things. Give yourself permission to prefer being alone, if that is your true heart’s desire.
3) Dream about the partner you would love to meet and write down their characteristics. Valentine’s Day is a perfect time to put this dream out into the world. Write your wishes in a beautiful Valentine card. Tuck the card away for a year and ask Cupid to somehow grant your wish. Read and revise each Valentine’s Day until you find the love you seek.
4) If you are lonely even though you are in a relationship, brainstorm ideas to improve your relationship. Ask your partner to help you plan things to try in the coming year. If your partner is not receptive, consider how you can make things better on your own.
5) Throw a party. When in my 20’s, my roommate, Cathleen, and I had a “St Valentine’s Day Massacre” party. We invited our guests to dress up like “Roaring 20’s” flappers and gangsters. The feathers and fedoras were so much fun! You might also consider a Valentine’s Day potluck or traveling party.
With Cathleen and guests for our St. Valentine’s Day Massacre Party
6) Enjoy a wonderful meal, either alone or with a friend.
7) Watch the vintage movie “Marty” and dream of your perfect match. Reflect on the true essence of love.
8) Buy yourself a special Valentine’s Day gift.
9) Explore meetup groups and on-line dating.
10) Drink a really great bottle of wine with a friend.
11) List your blessings.
12) Fall in love with your life by finding a passion you can’t wait to pursue. Determine to be happy even while alone.
13) Make a list of past partners. Reflect on the things each relationship taught you. Bask in your favorite memories. Write a letter wishing each past partner well. (Hint: It’s usually best to file these letters away and not send them.) This process makes room for new love to enter your life.
As a psychologist, I am privileged to hear people’s innermost thoughts. It’s always interesting when male clients say, “It must be so much easier to be a woman. Women have so many men from which to choose, and they don’t have to feel rejected when they ask someone out for a date and get told no.”
My female clients tell me, “It must be so much easier to be a man. So many women are looking for men. Men don’t seem interested in someone like me. If only I were a lesbian, finding love would be easier.”
Both men and women are surprised when I tell them it is just as difficult for the opposite sex to find love. In my work with gay, lesbian and transgender clients, I’ve learned that finding a romantic partner is just as hard for them. Who knew?
My Swedish Grandmother used to say, “För varje strumpa finns en sko” which means “For every sock there is a shoe.” One reason so many are lonely might be because they aren’t looking for their true match. We often make the mistake of looking for some idealized version of a mate. The world is full of people looking for love. Why is it that we have trouble finding love when so many are looking? That is a good question to ask yourself. I believe the answer usually has to do with patience, self-confidence, believing in your own value, and seeing the genuine value in others. Often, in order to attract our best match, we must first find our true selves.
This year don’t let anyone tell you that Valentine’s Day is only for happy couples. Valentine’s Day is for everyone who chooses to romance their day. How will you celebrate this year? Please send your ideas and questions to - Karin@DrKarinFlodstrom.com.
If you are alone or in a relationship, Dr. Karin can help you attract love, create connection and ease loneliness. Hear my free talk, “True Love Rules.” Join Dr. Karin for this feel good talk to jump-start your love life.
February 26, 2020, 6:30 to 7:30 PM at the Thiensville Health Alliance 136 North Main Street, Thiensville WI. (sponsored by the Thiensville Lifestyle Coalition)
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