Hint: You must first be kind to yourself
Dan and I during the years we learned kind communication
If we are harsh and judgmental when we think about ourselves, that negative energy will likely spill over into our assessment of others. To improve our communication with others, start first by assessing how you talk to yourself. If you are often self-critical, work on changing those behaviors. Sometimes this isn’t easy. Being critical of ourselves can be rooted in deeply held beliefs and experiences. Finding resources to build your self-esteem and increase positive self-talk can go a long way toward improving your communication with others.
If you are with someone who is very critical, notice. Are they also critical of themselves? If the answer is yes, have compassion for them. Don’t take their comments personally. Critical people can harm us, so please be aware of the effect these people have on you, and take measures to protect yourself so that you can be your best self. You may want to limit your interactions with them.
Do you know it takes 13 compliments to balance out one criticism?
Suggestion: When confronting someone about an undesirable behavior, first imagine how things look from their perspective.
Present their point of view before presenting your own. For example, let’s say that you want your husband to do more work around the house. You could say:
“I see how hard you work. You give 100% for me and our family. I really appreciate everything you do. The last thing you need or want at the end of the day is to be nagged about doing the dishes. All you want is to relax. You really need time to chill. I never want to make you feel more pressure. Then pause. Give your words time to sink in. Let your husband state his point of view. Listen carefully.
Your husband may tell you he hates his job and is completely depleted at the end of the day. He may tell you of other problems weighing heavily on him. Or he may just grunt and look at you suspiciously. At this point, listen to your intuition. Decide if this is the right time to ask him to help you more. When you better understand what your partner faces, you may feel less angry about him not helping you more.
Or you may decide that you need to explain your point of view. Avoid using the word “but” as you transition to explaining your experience. Use the word “and” instead. For example:
“I understand that you are exhausted and feel you have nothing more to give. I like knowing what you are going through and I also want to let you know what things are like for me.”
“Here’s how I feel. I work hard all day too. Then when I get home, I make dinner which means not only that I need to prepare the food, I also have to decide what to make and bring home all the ingredients. I really need rest too. When you get up from the table and leave me to do the dishes, I feel disrespected and as if you are taking advantage of me. Yet, I don’t want to fight with you or nag you. That will only make you push me away. The last thing I want is to create distance between us. Instead, I want us to be a team. Is there anything I can do to help us become more of a team? Do you expect me to hold my feelings in and do the dishes anyway? Or is there another solution?”
The example I have given here is a very common one. It used to be even more common. I’ve noticed that more and more men truly are equal partners with their wives when it comes to housework and child rearing. When couples have an equal partnership, the benefits to the marriage and children are huge. Finding a way to create an equal partnership is a very worthy goal.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat:
Keep in mind that gender roles go back to cave man days. You can’t expect one conversation to change such deeply entrenched habits. Women feel frustration and often say, “I talked to my husband about this. He agreed but nothing changed.” Some women have a very hard time telling their feelings to their partner. They don’t want to expose their vulnerabilities over and over again. They don’t want to be a nag.
I tell them, “You may need to have a conversation like this 5 times, 15 times, 20 times, or even more. Be patient and gentle. You are asking for a big change.”
Also keep in mind – some partners simply cannot or do not want to change. At that point, look at your relationship as a whole. Do the benefits outweigh the disadvantages? If they do, you may want to practice radical acceptance and let go of your desire for an equal partnership when it comes to housework. Maybe there are other concessions that make things feel equal but in a different way?
Suggestion: Consider your timing
My fiancé, Dan, taught me about timing. I wanted to tell Dan every little thing. All the time. Every day. I felt this was the path to closeness. As a very emotional and sensitive person, my emotions are a challenge even for me to handle. It didn’t take long for Dan to throw up his hands and say, “Karin, I can’t take all the drama!”
We came up with a plan. Every week we set aside a morning where we would talk. Usually we only needed a half hour. (You may need more than a half hour. I have had years of therapy and have learned to process some things on my own.) In between talks, I kept a list. Every little thing that bothered me went on that list. On the designated morning, I would bring out the list. Dan and I would talk.
I learned something surprising. Most of the time, after a week, the majority of things on my list were no longer an issue. I could cross that item off and not say anything. I also learned that there was nothing that Dan and I could not resolve as long as each of us came from a loving place and kept on talking.
Dan learned something too. He told me, “Every time we are about to talk, I dread it. I really would rather not talk. But then, after we talk, I am always glad. Our talks make things better between us.
Our plan helped us both. I learned to talk less, and Dan learned to talk more.
This plan won’t work for all couples. Even with Dan and I, there were some conversations we could not have. Some topics are too heated or entrenched in traumatic experiences to discuss. Also keep in mind, not all couples can achieve emotional intimacy. If this is the case for you, develop other kinds of intimacy.
Suggestion: Find creative, loving ways of changing yourself and others.
My sister, Janet, is married to a pilot. Her husband is sometimes out of town Sunday nights, which is garbage night. The Sundays he was gone, Janet often forgot to take the garbage out. Her husband came home later in the week to a stinky garage and was understandably upset.
My brother-in-law reminded my sister to take out the garbage, but she kept forgetting, continuously. Maybe because Sundays are Janet’s day to forget everything and chill? Regardless of why my sister forgot, this became a sore subject between her and her husband.
Janet came up with a plan. Every time her husband left for a trip that would include Sunday night, she bought a dozen pink roses. She placed the roses on her table. They were her reminder to take out the garbage. All week, she looked at the flowers and thought about how happy she would feel when she remembered to take out the garbage. Every time she bought herself flowers, she remembered.
Her husband could have bought the flowers for her. This would have worked as an effective reminder as well. Use your creativity to change a sore subject into a happy reminder.
Suggestion: Accept the other person in their entirety.
Relationships are not a smorgasbord. We don’t get to just pick out the parts that we like and reject the rest. We all have desirable and undesirable qualities. There’s this saying that after marriage, men want their wives to stay the same. Women, on the other hand, often go into marriage with plans of how to change their husbands. Too often, we women see our husbands as a project we want to perfect. In our defense, we often have the same attitude toward ourselves.
For example, Dan had a Monday night meeting every week. Our garage control button was in the house. I closed the garage door every night, but because I was asleep on Mondays, I could not close the garage door after he got home. Week after week, Dan forgot to close the door. The garage door would be open all night.
Dan was a highly intelligent man, and an engineer. I used to call him an absent-minded professor. It’s not that Dan deliberately left the garage door open. His mind was simply on other things.
Thiensville has its share of burglaries. I was concerned about theft. At first, I gently suggested that Dan close the garage door.
No change. The door stayed open.
Then I texted Dan before I went to sleep. “Good night, Sweetheart. Please remember to close the garage door.”
The door stayed open.
Then I taped a little post-it note on his steering wheel. “Sweetie, please remember to close the garage door.
Open door.
Then I taped a sign in the place where he put his keys each night. “PLEASE CLOSE THE GARAGE DOOR!!!”
When the door was open that morning, we had a talk – and it wasn’t even our designated talk time. Actually, it wasn’t a talk, it was my version of a meltdown. “What’s it going to take? It’s a simple matter. Close the garage door!” I demanded. (not in a quiet voice either.)
Dan looked at me, surprised. We were rarely angry at each other. I think it’s the only time I ever talked to him using that tone.
Shortly after that, my wise and intuitive friend Barbara, told me, “You need to ease up or you are going to ruin your wonderful relationship with Dan. You are too critical. If you don’t stop, and now, you will be sorry.”
I thought carefully about her words. There were several areas where I had been giving Dan “helpful” suggestions. It irritated me that he fell asleep in his lazy boy. I thought he would get a better night’s sleep if he came to bed. I also believed Dan worked too hard. I wanted him to relax more. None of my comments seemed helpful. Dan didn’t change. He didn’t thank me for the helpful tips. He seemed annoyed instead.
As an experiment, I decided to follow Barbara’s advice. Instead of focusing on the things I wanted Dan to change, for one month I noticed only the things I loved about Dan. After all, I didn’t know what was best for Dan. He was a grown-up. It was time for me to start treating him like one. If someone stole our cars, we would deal with it. Our relationship was more important to me than our cars.
After only a couple of weeks, our relationship changed dramatically. Dan and I became amazingly close – closer than I ever imagined I could be with a man.
Would you believe Dan remembered to close the garage door every week?
I am so grateful to my wise friend, Barbara. Even more so than you might imagine, because two years later, Dan suddenly died, unexpectedly, in the middle of the night. We didn’t even get a chance to say good-bye.
I can’t imagine my grief if I had continued to criticize him. It is a great comfort to know that when Dan died, we were in a happy place of love.
In all you do, please remember to be gentle not just with others, but also with yourself. Treasure yourself and the people on this journey with you and you will invite more love into your life. What ways can you practice kind communication?
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