When it comes to finding love, your inner energy matters more than you realize.
I never much liked this picture. I didn’t like my messy hair, hooded eyes, double chin, or the way my shoulder seam drags off my shoulder. To my eye, I was not quite thin enough. I had a long list of criticisms about my appearance in this picture.
In my 20’s as a bridesmaid in my cousin Mary’s wedding
Today, 40 years later, I like this picture. This young me actually looks a bit glamorous. What a shame I didn’t like my appearance more at the time. Can you imagine how I might have appeared if I’d lifted my chin a bit, looked into the camera more confidently, and owned my body? Looking back, I see that I was probably more attractive than I knew. You are likely more attractive than you know too.
Many clients come into my office feeling unattractive and like losers in love. Maybe they tried Match.com, and no one was interested. Or they asked someone out and got rejected. Sometimes they get dates, but the dates don’t go well. Men tell me, “Nice guys finish last. I’m not the kind of man women want.” Women say, “I am too old and fat. Men want younger and more beautiful women.”
When these same people heal trauma from the past, release their self doubt, see their value and find their purpose, they become very attractive.
A woman who used to trudge to sessions wearing baggy dark clothes to hide her body suddenly shows up – standing tall in the latest fashion. Her hair is clean and shiny. She wears a gorgeous scarf. She has found that she is strong, intelligent and has new great career plans. My client hasn’t lost a single pound, but I am sure everyone notices her as she walks confidently down the street. I say to her laughing, “You look very sexy today.”
A man feels ugly. He complains that he is too short and weak. After months of therapy, he comes blasting into my office with enthusiasm and excitement. He tells me his new career plans. He hasn’t become suddenly taller. His muscles aren’t bigger. The change is that he believes in himself and has a purpose. With a smile, I tell him, “Do you know that you look really sexy today?”
My clients are usually surprised when I tell them how attractive they have become. They aren’t used to seeing themselves this way. My observation gives them clues about how to continue their progress. Telling my clients when they look sexy is a part of my job.
Why is it so hard for people to see their own value?
When I was in driver’s ed class, I learned about something called “velocitization.” When we are driving fast on the expressway, we become accustomed to the high speed. When we get off the expressway, it can feel like we are hardly moving at all. It takes time before we can accurately estimate our speed again.
In a similar way, we lose our perspective about our own value through the media. Fantasy assaults our senses every time we watch a show or read the news. We subconsciously absorb the idea that most people look and behave like the media people we see.
To give you an example of how this dynamic affects our daily life, imagine a man who comes to me for help them with on-line dating. He shows me pictures of women and says, “I am being realistic. I don’t expect a woman who looks like a supermodel.” Then he points to a woman he plans to contact who would be classified as an “8” on the superficial image scale. He may not have picked out Jennifer Lopez, but he’s going after her cousin.
A woman will say, “I don’t expect a man who is as sensitive, successful and handsome as Brad Pitt. My standards are realistic. But when she meets a kind, stable, interested man, she says, “He’s OK, but I don’t know. He just doesn’t seem manly enough.”
My clients have been warped by constant viewing of fantasy. They have become fantacized.
Even worse than comparing others to fantasy media images, we also automatically and unconsciously compare ourselves to media personalities. We forget that the actors and models themselves aren’t as perfect as the images they project.
What can we do? Just as you cure velocitization by slowing down and noticing the speed limit, your speedometer, and your surroundings, you can cure fantacization. Slow down. See reality. Notice the good in yourself and others. Look for attractive features and behaviors. Appreciate character over image. A great step to true love is to reject the fantasy you are being sold to sell products.
Please do not let fantasy steal your ability to love and be loved. Take these measures to invite more love into your life.
1) Emphasize the best within you
2) Look for the best in others
3) Heal trauma and issues from the past
3) Find and do things you love
4) Become strong enough to take risks for love
Question: Are you holding yourself back by thinking you aren’t good enough? Do you focus on what you see as flaws while you ignore your good points? Remember, Love Attracts Love. Cultivate love for yourself, your life, and others. Then wait patiently and optimistically. See what happens.
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