I am watching the Packer’s game with Dan. I’m not much of a football fan. Dan smiles when I ask if a touchdown is worth 4 points. That tells you how much I know about football.
As I watch, I remember one reason I avoid football. Faith Hill, wearing a very short black dress, sings directly into the camera and belts out “Waiting All Day for Sunday Night.” Faith is one of my favorite artists. I often listen to her music. I like her husband’s music and especially enjoy their duets. Faith and Tim often make me feel good, but now, while I sit near my guy and watch Faith sing with her beautiful legs bared as high as a skirt can go I do not feel good.
Faith is a stunning blonde. Her hair streams out behind her as she sings. As she twists to the music her thighs look muscular and lean. “My God, her legs are amazing!” I think silently. I watch her and I watch my sweetheart watch her and feel dowdy in comparison. There is a familiar squirmy feeling inside of me. Do you know that feeling, the one where your stomach gets twisted in a knot and there’s a nauseous lump in your throat? I wonder, “Is Dan looking at Faith and wishing I could look like her? Is he wishing he could take her to bed tonight instead of me? Does he think she is better than me?” I wonder all these things and feel sick. “Aha,” I remember, “This is one reason I don’t like football. Many of the commercials feature average looking men and gorgeous women. These commercials are designed to make men feel great. The producers don’t care how I feel when I watch.
Then a second wave of feeling washes over me. You know the sick feeling of shame when you think your feelings are stupid? This shame hits me in a barrage of judgment and says, “You are being jealous, silly and insecure. You better not let Dan see you feeling this way! Other women look at these images and don’t lose their self confidence. They find a way to feel good while watching Faith Hill. What is wrong with you? You are 55 years old, for Pete’s Sake. When are you going to get over this? Besides, if you didn’t eat so much and exercised more, maybe your legs would look like hers. The way you look is entirely your responsibility. How can you let an image on a TV screen make you feel bad?”
Then more thoughts come, “What kind of a hypocrite are you anyway? Here you are, trying to help women feel better about their bodies and pretending to be some kind of expert psychologist while images like these continue to bother you. How can you possibly help others if you can’t handle this?”
These feelings churn away inside. I hope for a way through my misery to a better place. I breathe and search for thoughts that will make me feel better.
I think about the times I had great legs and men stared at me. What were those times good for anyway? Did they bring me love or happiness? No. As I remember the emptiness of having men stare at my legs I feel better.
I think of Dan, my kind, gentle, loving man. Of course he finds Faith Hill attractive, but he is attracted to me too. We create amazing moments together. I would never change places with Faith Hill. I love my life. Maybe Dan feels the same way and wouldn’t trade places with Tim McGraw? The sick feeling in my stomach eases.
I think of a young man I saw recently who has long legs. I noticed him. I compared him to Dan and wondered, “Would I like it if Dan’s legs were that long?” I remembered when I was in high school and appearance was very important to me. I looked longingly at the tallest boys. Thank God I am not that way anymore. Dan is who he is because of everything about him. His body has made him into the man I love. If he had a different body he would be different. He might not want me. I decide that even if a part of me is attracted to long legs, that doesn’t mean that I am attracted to Dan any less. My choice is still 100% with my guy. Maybe Dan feels that way about me too? When I get enough courage I will ask him.
But what if I find out that Dan would trade me for Faith Hill? What if he is feeling aroused by her image this very moment and wishes he could be with her? What if the worst is true and Dan wants her more than he wants me? Is there a way I could feel better then?
I pray for acceptance. I have been conditioned since I was small to think the most attractive women are better than other women. Dan has been conditioned to think the same things since he was small too. My genetics fuel instincts that tell me that the prettier I am, the more loved and safe I will be. Dan’s biology tells him that a very good-looking woman will bring him the most pleasure, status and happiness. Now as a mature woman, I know looks don’t bring lasting joy. I know my biology is lying to me. If Dan doesn’t know this I can accept his feelings and love him anyway. I can always hope that someday he will decide that the way I am on the inside is more important than the way I look on the outside.
I feel quite a bit better – for a moment that is.
Then I feel bad again because I know that I will have these feelings again very soon. Sexy media women are all around me. Angrily I wonder, “Why does the world have to be this way? Why am I exposed to these images that make me feel bad? Football is geared to men and their testosterone. We women can’t even question these images without feeling like insecure cranks. What is the solution anyway?”
There has to be a better way...
I tell Dan about a young woman I see in a grocery store parking lot. It is a nasty day; rain pelts my windshield and the wind whistles through the grocery carts. This woman has long dark hair and a short sturdy body. I stop my car to let her pass as she walks from the store. A baby is on her hip. Snug in a hooded jacket with his face pressed against her neck the child is well protected from the elements. His mother holds him securely. On the other hip she firmly holds a bag of groceries. Her strong legs and arms are full of love as she moves across the parking lot through the rain and wind to her car and home. “How beautiful she is!” I think.
I look again and guess she is not aware of her beauty. If she is like most women she probably feels 20 pounds overweight. Does she squeeze into her pre-pregnancy jeans and feel like a failure? Maybe her husband tells her she doesn’t look as good as she once did. Yet her body performs miracles. She brought a baby to life and nurtures her family. Too often our world passes critical judgment and misses great beauty. It’s not that I reject the sexuality Faith Hill projects. It’s more that I wish men were as enthusiastic about other kinds of beauty too.
I think of Faith’s lovely legs and ask myself, “What do I really long for?” I may be middle aged but I still want to feel young, energetic and sexy. I want to feel desirable and wildly attractive. Can I unleash more of those feelings inside of me? Some interesting possibilities come to mind. I conjure up ideas to bring playfulness and youthful energy into my interactions with Dan. Maybe I can be a fun woman too?
What does Faith Hill’s beauty represent? She reminds me to reach for my dreams. She doesn’t hold the monopoly on feeling young and sexy. I can have those feelings too. When I let Faith remind me of what I want and make a plan to reach for my desires, I feel better. Maybe Faith can make me feel good after all? As I focus on my desires instead of on my fears, I feel terrific.